The Secret Diary of .. Luxon’s maths crisis

MONDAY
As Prime Minister the last thing I want to do is react to things in a wild or hare-brained manner when steady reason will get the ship through stormy waters and I’ve always worked to keep my feet on the ground and plough a level playing field but I think the only way to describe maths teaching in this country is that it’s an absolute crisis.
The new data is shocking. I was so shocked that I jumped out of my skin and Amanda was like “Oh why has Chris just dumped his clothes on the floor like that and gone running around the house naked and screaming” but it was as though the data had held my feet to the fire and scorched them at the same time as running an electrical current through my head. Amanda was like “Oh why has Chris taken up vaping” but it was just the smoke coming out of my ears.
It took a while to pick myself up from the floor. And when I finally did, my head was pounding and all I could see in front of me was a red mist. Leadership studies tell us that sometimes the best time to respond to a crisis is when you are in a state of hysteria resembling a panic attack and that’s why I am calling to overhaul the maths curriculum this very second.
TUESDAY
Education Minister Erica Stanford responded swiftly to the shocking new data. She fainted. Someone found some smelling salts somewhere and resuscitated the shell-shocked Stanford. “Action stations!” she said, and ran around the room clutching at straws. She found a lot of straws, and began constructing a new curriculum approach.
“There,” she wheezed, when she was finished. She looked exhausted. She looked drained. She looked as though she’d been run over by a bus, which is what I expect from government ministers.
“What is this,” I asked.
“It’s a knowledge-based, rote learning approach, underpinned by the science of learning,” she said.
“Let’s get it into classrooms asap,” I said, but I needn’t have wasted my breath. She was up and running with the flimsy model of straws before I opened my mouth.
WEDNESDAY
Still more needs to be done to get on top of the crisis that has uprooted New Zealand society at its very foundations and brought down acid rain on our future. I was forced to have a hard word with arts minister Paul Goldsmith.
I said to him, “Goldie the thing is we are facing certain ruin if we don’t do something about this, fast, and what would really help is if we scrap the teaching of anything arts-related so that children can have more time applying themselves to maths, and anyway what have the arts ever done for us. The answer is nothing.”
“Sounds about right,” he said.
I was a bit taken aback. “Are you sure, Goldie?”
“The arts are about as useful as te reo,” he said.
“Sounds about right,” I said.
THURSDAY
Media have pointed to research which shows that there has been no statistically significant change in mathematics achievement scores since at least 2013.
They also claimed that the testing behind the shocking new data was based on a small sample of students.
“I don’t have time for this,” I said. “We need to actually go out there and fix this crisis for New Zealanders, and that’s what we’re doing. Out of my way!”
I jumped into the nearest river and floundered against the tide, but was confident if I held my breath then I’d get to the other side.
FRIDAY
Amanda was like “Oh why has Chris got all his clothes all wet and is now sneezing violently” but I explained that it was worth it because my actions will help save New Zealand from collapse. Then I went to bed, and collapsed.